When I’m out running, I come up with all kinds of ideas. This is a work in progress, but I thought about what it would be like to be in love with the idea of not working. What would it be like to not care about having a career? My inspiration for this thought comes from the book, “A Confederacy of Dunces,” featuring possibly the world’s laziest man who hates everyone. A very good friend of mine recommended it to me. It’s incredibly funny, so check it out. I came up with what could turn out to be a 5-minute stand-up routine. I’d get on stage wearing running shorts, a running shirt, and a pair of knee high, 70’s era white tube socks with the stripes at the top. My “personality” is a person with a higher opinion of himself than he should have.Here’s the routine I came up with:
Hello! Like the man said, my name is Jim. Everyone gets confused when I say I’m going to the gym. That’s a free Dad Joke for you, right there. You can use it if your name is also Jim.
That’s right, I’m a runner. I just came here after my daily jog. It’s okay, though, because the sweat has already dried up. I’m totally odor free! I run for charity. I’m a charity runner, so I’m going to ask you all for $5 on your way out tonight. It’s a good charity too! It’s called “The Jim Fund.” It helps guys named Jim. The purpose of the charity is to help Jim be Stay-at-Home Jim.
Stay-at-Home Jim gets to stay up late and sleep in every day. There aren’t any pesky kids or animals around to bother Jim. There is a Work-at-Home wife. She lets Jim live in her basement as long as Jim is quiet. Jim hasn’t seen her in three months!
Stay-at-Home Jim decided to be an Uber driver. This motivation and initiative did not last long because Jim hates people. People wanted to talk to Jim while riding in his car. Jim would tell them, “Look, it’s only a 20-minute drive. Can’t you just zip it and let me enjoy my beer?” Jim dropped a lot of people off at bus stops for some odd reason.
When Jim needs some time out of the house, Jim creates an amazing looking sign with the words, “Will Hold Sign For Beer” written on it. Jim then goes downtown as people are filing into a Reds game, stand next to a homeless person with their sloppy sign saying something about being hungry, and make fun of their sign. Surprisingly, no one gives Jim beers.
This is why you need to donate to the Jim Fund. Jim needs your help. If the Jim Fund runs out of money, Stay-at-Home Jim will have to talk to Work-at-Home Wife. On the plus side, she does provide Jim with a donation just to get him to go back downstairs. Everyone who donates $5 tonight gets a free hug. Not from Jim! Don’t touch Jim! But someone will hug you within 24 hours after your donation.
Everyone who donates $5 tonight gets a free hug. Not from Jim! Don’t touch Jim! But someone will hug you within 24 hours after your donation. Jim guarantees it! Thank you for your support of the Jim Fund.