Today was my first day of Boot Camp since the days of Army Boot Camp when I was 18 years old. This boot camp differs from the Army in many ways – I get to wear running shoes instead of boots, there isn’t a drill instructor screaming at me to “drop and give him 20” (push-ups) every time I screwed up, and  I don’t have an M-16. By the end of this morning’s boot camp, I really wanted the M-16!

To prepare for this boot camp, the instructor e-mailed everything I needed to know. I would need to bring a mat, a towel, some water, and some weights. I messaged back asking how heavy the weights were supposed to be and she suggested two 8 pounds and two 12 pound dumbbells.  My ego told me I should just get two 10 pounders and two 15 pounders. My ego is an asshole! When I’m at the gym, I get to pick a weight off the rack, lift it, and put it back. I can handle more weight that way and I don’t have to carry it home. For boot camp, I had a gym bag filled with a total of 50 pounds of weight! Getting the bag to the car was enough of a workout to make me want to go back to bed. Then I found out that the workout was down two flights of stairs! Fuck you, Ego!

The workout began easily enough. It was in a school gym and we had to jog five laps around the court to warm up. I can run marathons, so running five laps was child’s play! We then proceeded to run suicides, which involves running to a line on the court, bending down and touching the line, running back to the start, then going to the next line, touching it, back to the start, etc, until you have run to the other end of the court and back again. I may have been sweating at the end of this exercise.

Then it was time to use the weights. Using the heavy weights, we were to put one foot forward and do a lunge while simultaneously doing arm curls. After a few minutes of that, we got to switch legs and do it again. I was unable to figure out at this point how to switch arms, so I was still doing arm curls with the same arms! Now, with my arms tired, we were to hold a plank for a minute or so. Just when I thought that was enough, we had to go from one side of the court to the other on all fours in what can only be described as the Mowgli. Imagine how Mowgli was walking when he was in the jungle and then imagine a 51 year old, slightly overweight, man doing the same move. It wasn’t pretty! By the time I was half-way across, I had to stop for a moment just so I could survive! I made it across and back just in time for the instructor to tell us to do it again! My knees may have touched the floor once or twice by this time.

Now it was time for us to do squats while lifting the lighter weights overhead as we stood up from our squat. At this time, I mentally returned the 15 pound weights to the store and never touched them again! With no rest, it was time to go back across the gym by first getting into a push-up position and going sideways like a crab to the other side. This time, I know for a fact my knees hit the floor! My shoes were squeaking every time my feet hit the puddle of sweat I left on the floor. I left an impressive snail trail. (I dare you to look that up on Urban Dictionary)

The morning began promptly at 5:30 AM and was supposed to end at 6:15. When she told us to do one more exercise at 6:15, she was very lucky I was without my M-16! Somehow, I managed to finish the final exercise, put the weights back into the gym bag, get back up the stairs and to the car without dying. The bag is still in the car and will remain there until I return those damn weights! The most insulting part about all this is hearing the “ding, ding, ding” you hear when the car thinks there’s someone in the passenger seat without a seat belt. I had to put a god damned seat belt on my gym bag! I hate you, Ego!