The Epic Mustache

I remember trying to grow a mustache when I was 19 years old. It came in slowly, and after a month or so it never really amounted to much. I shaved it and never tried again. Until, that is, I decided to grow a mustache for a race called “Tap N Run.” They hand you a 4 ounce beer at the starting line, followed by three more beer stops along the way, and one final beer at the finish line. It’s more of a costume contest than a race. It seems there was an emphasis on awesome facial hair, so I began grooming what would become The Epic Mustache!

My Doppelgänger

My normal facial hair routine is to shave on Mondays and Wednesdays, leaving stubble on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Friday through the weekend brings more stubble, which I scrape off the next Monday with resentment. When I have the stubble going on, I am stopped by strangers asking if I know that I look like House. Next year at the Tap N Run, I’m growing the stubble and walking with a cane. In hindsight, I really wish I thought about that this year!

I knew there was no way I would look good with a mustache! I had a goatee for about 10 years, so I knew I could grow that again. My plan was to shave everything below my lip on the day of the race and run it with an awesome mustache. I also decided that there was too much gray in the mustache so I darkened it with Just For Men. For some reason, I decided to shave it the day before the race on Friday. That’s when things got weird!I showed up at work and freaked everyone out! Even though I grew a mustache that was compared to Tom Selleck’s, the women in the office were not impressed! In an effort to avoid the outside world, I had someone in the office have lunch delivered. I spent the rest of the day explaining why I grew the mustache. And then I went to watch my son run in his high school track meet.

I went to the high school wearing cargo shorts, a Cincinnati Reds T-shirt, a baseball cap and aviator sunglasses – and I was carrying a camera. Not a camera phone, but an honest to goodness DSLR camera hanging around my neck. As I approached the stands, all I could think was, “don’t look like a pedophile, don’t look like a pedophile.” I was looking for a place to sit while imagining Chris Hansen telling me to “have a seat over there.” The best part was, I saw my son before the race and he knew I was going to do the mustache, but he didn’t know I was doing it that day. He thought it was hilarious and told his friends about it. They came up to me after the race and told me I had an awesome mustache!

Magnum P.I. eat your heart out!

You know how when you buy a red car, all you see are red cars? It was that way with mustaches for me. While I was in the stands, I noticed how many men are wearing mustaches because they think it looks good on them. They didn’t grow one ironically; they actually chose to have their faces look that way! It’s not a good look! There are only a handful of men who look good or who are defined by their mustaches. Tom Selleck, Wilford Brimley, Geraldo Rivera, Ron Burgundy, and Ron Jeremy. Well, maybe Ron Jeremy isn’t the best person to have on this list, but just know that he needs the mustache!

I shaved the mustache as soon as I got home on Saturday night. I had consumed quite a few beers but I still managed to get that hair off my lip! While I had the goatee, Alana was not pleased. She said the whiskers hurt her when I kissed her. When I had the mustache, she wouldn’t even kiss me! I can’t blame her, but she missed out on my one and only offer of a free mustache ride! Oh well, it’s her loss.

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