I wonder what was on the menu when some genius came up with the cliche, “you are what you eat.”  What does that even mean?  You certainly can’t take that literally!  If you could, I would be known as “Delicious!”

I know what I’m supposed to do to eat well, I just don’t want to.  I go through phases of eating right, but I come back to eating the same stuff all the time.  Monday through Thursday, I’m diligent about what I eat.  Well, not Wednesday nights.  That’s when I run with Team in Training and we go out for dinner and beer.  I could eat right – the menu includes salads, right? Nope, I go for the mushroom and swiss burger every damn time!  And bring me your darkest beer!  If I want to drink water, I’ll get a Bud Light!  OK, so it’s back on track for Thursday. Friday rolls around and I can eat well until dinner.  If we aren’t buying a pizza, I’m making one. The one I make is actually very healthy for you and tastes amazing (that’s what she said – really she did, you can ask her)!  But you can’t have pizza without washing it down with a beer, can you?  Saturday rolls around, I go for a long run, and then it’s party time!  Everyone needs a day off, and this one is mine.

The funny thing is, even when I try to eat well, there is always someone who thinks the way I’m eating is unhealthy.  They’re probably right, but I don’t want to hear it!  When I go out to dinner with a group of people, the skinny people order from a different menu.  They always seem to get the healthiest item on the menu!  Have they gone over to the dark side and converted to “whole foods?”  Or, do they go home and have pizza and beer when we’re not looking?  I’ve looked at the healthy weight guidelines for my height and I could be 20 pounds lighter and still be considered healthy.  That’s just not going to happen!  I’ve been gaining and losing the same 10 pounds for three years now.  It’s the party weight that just won’t go away!

The only time I went on an extensive, life changing, “diet,” was the 18 month period while I lost 70 pounds using Weight Watchers.  I counted every “point” and tracked them religiously, which is a good analogy because Weight Watchers is a cult!  I’m not dismissing them, in fact I would encourage anyone wanting to lose weight to join them.  They know their stuff!  But going to a meeting is like going to church.  Every Saturday morning at 8:00 AM, even with a hangover, which happened quite often, I was at the meeting worshiping at the altar of WW. The meeting leader was more of a motivational speaker, so it was like going to a motivational seminar every week.  He told his story so often that I could get up there and recite it!  But he was able to help people see that they really could eat what they want, but only if they did it the right way – with portion control.  Telling food addicts that they can have a little food without eating it all is like telling an alcoholic that they can have a shot of liquor without drinking the whole bottle!

I think it boils down to my relationship with food.  I’ve been a big fan of food from the beginning.  Food will always be there for you.  Sometimes it waits too long for me to love it back by eating it that it spoils the relationship by turning green.  Then I have to dump it and get a fresh new food.  You should never keep a food past its expiration date thinking that it will get better with time.  Sometimes I eat something that I know is going to give me trouble in the morning, but I eat it anyway.  Who can resist such a hot tamale?  I often wonder if food gets jealous of other food.  Does the lettuce in the salad bowl look at the steak on my plate and think, “he likes steak more than he likes me!”  You both have so much to offer, can’t I love you both? Some foods just don’t belong with other foods.  They just don’t get along! And why is it that “cheating” on your diet feels so good?  Ice cream always looks at me and says, “come on, big boy, you know you want to eat me!”  So I give in even though I know that the steak and salad I just ate are going to find out I cheated on them with ice cream.

I guess if I am what I eat, then I’d have to say I’m pretty happy.  I eat happy foods and drink happy drinks.  I run a lot so I can stay close to a normal weight.  I actually practice portion control too!  I have one piece of advice for you to follow – nothing good will ever come from a Taco Bell drive-thru after midnight.  You don’t want to wake up to that person you took home from the bar at closing time, and you don’t want to wake up to a Taco Bell hangover!  Finally, if we are what we eat, then most men are pussies and most women are dicks!