My Blood is Awesome!

I recently updated my life insurance – wait, don’t go away!  Keep reading!

I have considered this for quite a while, so actually doing it was an accomplishment!  The whole process can be unnerving to say the least.  The first step is the application where I try to remember what I lied about on my last application.  My dad died of cancer at the age of 57.  My oldest brother died from his second heart attack at the age of 57.  My mom died from complications resulting from years of being type 2 diabetic.  My oldest brother was also type 2.  Genetically speaking, I’m a dead man walking!  The only logical thing to do is to lie on the application.  “Has anyone in your family had cancer, diabetes, heart disease, irritable bowel syndrome, restless leg syndrome, or who is a chronic masturbator?”    Nope!  Especially not that last one – no one in my family!  Okay, define “chronic.”

The next step is the health screening.  They scheduled a home visit where someone would come and take my blood, weigh me, measure me, and ask all the same questions the application asked me about my health!  The agent warned me that I should not consume alcohol for at least 72 hours before the test.  I stupidly scheduled the test on the Tuesday after a 3-day weekend.  That would mean no alcohol all weekend!  I chose to reschedule for a Friday morning.  I could handle that.  They sent a dude instead of a hot nurse, so that was disappointing.  His first words were, “Has anyone told you that you look like House?”  I said, “Only everyone.”  He took my blood, weighed me (giving me a generous 5 pound reduction for the sweatpants and t-shirt I was wearing) and confirmed my height.  Then he asked the questions.  For some reason, I decided to answer honestly!  Son of a bitch!  Well, I left off the oldest brother history, but everything else was the truth.  My blood better be awesome because my family history is deficient!

So I waited for about a month for them to mail the blood work to me.  It was like Christmas morning when it arrived!  Everything was in the expected range.  My Gamma Glutamyltransferase (Google it) was outstanding!  My good cholesterol was very good, but my bad cholesterol was better!  You should have seen my urine!  It was a balmy 98 degrees and it was everything you want your urine to be.  I started strutting around the house saying, “My blood is awesome, my blood is awesome!  My pee is perfect, my pee is perfect!”  Alana flipped me off – victory is mine!

I bought my last policy 20 years ago.  I planned it to have a level premium that would last until I turned 60.  I’m currently 50 years old and this policy will last me until I’m 80.  My real financial plan is to be killed by a jealous husband when I’m 79 years old.  If my kids still need a windfall from my life insurance when they’re in their 50s, then I failed them a long time ago.  On the other hand, I plan to live forever so it’s kind of a waste of money to buy life insurance!

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