I’ve been reading a variety of year-end review websites. You have you best in music, movies, pop culture, and most tweeted, googled, facebooked, items of interest. There are articles on financial websites and political websites and they both agree that 2011 sucked balls! In reality, I just kind of skimmed these reviews. I have my own “not normal” take on 2011. It was pretty damned awesome!
The year began in January, as it usually does. It was the first of many dates using 11, which is my favorite number thanks to Spinal Tap. We started with 1/1/11, which in binary language translates to 23 – a prime number which indicated that 2011 would be a prime year – for geeks! I traveled to Florida to run my first marathon, the Walt Disney World Marathon. I finished with a time of 4:50. I also spent a few “snow days” with my new girlfriend, if you know what I mean!
In February, the Packers beat the Steelers making me a Packers fan in the process. I’m not saying I became a bandwagon fan. I’m saying any team that beats the Steelers is a team I like!
March is my birthday month and, this year, I turned 50. My brothers, Doug, Carl and Mark took me to Las Vegas for my birthday. They paid for my plane ticket and the hotel room and they bought enough alcohol to kill the liver of an elephant! My first night home, and the first night in five nights that I drank nothing, included waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat! I swore off drinking until the next weekend. I’ll never do that again – until I do!
In April, three billion people watched Prince William marry Kate Middleton – A million people line the streets, half a million gather in front of Buckingham Palace, and two billion tune in via television or computer to see Kate Middleton marry Prince William. I may have been the only person who couldn’t care less about this “event.” The only way I became remotely interested was all the talk about what a great ass Pippa Middleton has. In the interest of journalistic integrity, I went online to compare and contrast the Middleton sisters’ asses. It’s too close to call, so the investigation continues.
Speaking of using the internet for its God made purpose, May was the month of discovering a couple of sexual deviants. The news of the killing of Osama Bin Laden was quickly overshadowed by the news of his hidden porn stash! Then, later in the month, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested for sexually assaulting a maid at a Manhattan hotel. It was a great month for Twitter and Facebook! Also in May, I ran my second marathon, the Flying Pig Marathon with a time of 4:40.
June continued May’s trend of outing famous people. US Representative Anthony Weiner showed his wiener schnitzel, and John Edwards was indicted for using campaign funds to conceal his mistress and their love child. This was a fantastic month for The Daily Show!
July was uneventful. I spent a week in Aruba with my girlfriend and asked her to marry me on July 4th. Ten seconds after my proposal, fireworks erupted in the sky (the best place for them to erupt). Upon hearing of my engagement, Amy Winehouse died from alcohol poisoning. Other than that, it was a quiet month.
August saw the first ever decline in the US credit rating by Standard & Poor’s. This was also the month the Republican race for the Presidency became a side show, blooming into a full circus over the rest of the year.
September was another month for numbers geeks. We had 09/10/11 which was cool. Herman Cain was beginning his ascent to become an unlikely front-runner for the Republicans. His downfall was like watching a movie you’ve already seen. You know how it’s going to end, but you love watching it anyway.
In October, The St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series. I hate the fucking Cardinals as much or more than I hate the Steelers! We also saw an increase in Occupy Wall Street, but I just couldn’t care enough to participate. It was a nice distraction for all the homeless people who finally had some cool kids to hang out with. This month was when I ran my third and final marathon of the year. I ran the Toronto Marathon with a time of 4:15. I worked my ass off over the summer to achieve this time, so I’m pretty damn proud of it!
November, sweet November. Just when I thought we were through with the sexcapades, we found out Herman Cain had more women than Tiger Woods! I didn’t really have much fun with the whole Sandusky episode – it was just too sad. Hearing him try to talk his way out of the charges was mildly interesting. This month had my favorite day ever – 11/11/11 – the day that went to 11!!!
December just finished a few days ago. If you can’t remember what happened, you’re out of luck. December is always consumed with Christmas, so there’s that. Oh yeah, the Cincinnati Bengals were preparing for their biggest game of Marvin Lewis’ life. That’s the one where they lost to Houston. It’s a good thing he gets to play them again next weekend!
See what I mean? 2011 didn’t suck at all! 2012 on the other hand . . .we’ll see.