I’m The Spock of Sarcasm

When you think of Spock, you think of an emotionally detached, logical perspective.  My life is ruled by logic.  If it’s not logical, it’s just stupid!  Many times, I have stuck my foot in my mouth by saying “Why would you do that?”  I also get in trouble by saying, “That makes no sense!”  Knowing I have a propensity to question other people’s motivations and thought processes has caused me to mask my questions with sarcasm.  That’s not necessarily a good thing!

For example, I have a person in my office who begs for sarcastic responses!  She doesn’t know it, and she’s not intentionally ironic, but she makes my logical approach to sarcasm entirely logical.  Today, she tried to tell me that other people in the office were going to have a meeting on Thursday and they would be expecting my input on a certain document.  These people have been meeting every Thursday for about a year now, so Thursday was not a surprise.  The document was delivered to me a week earlier, so that was not a surprise either.  So, I’m in the middle of my to-do list for the day, with the review of this document at the end of said list, when she came to my desk to interrupt me.  She said, as she often does when she interrupts me, “Are you busy?  I know you’re always busy, but I just wanted to remind you that the document needs your input, especially parts 3, 5 and 7 because that’s your area of expertise and they want to finalize this document at the meeting on Thursday, so it would be good if you could look it over and give them your input by tomorrow.”  That’s not a run-on sentence, that’s how she talks!  Every time she brings me information, I pretend to listen while thinking, “I know that, what’s your point?”  In this specific instance, I mumbled after she left, “Really?  I did not know that!  Thank you for sharing!”

She starts every disclosure of information with a monologue of what she was thinking while making her decision on how to handle something.  She will tell me things I taught her when I hired her!!!  Why the fuck are you wasting my time telling me things I taught you???  Just give me the Cliffs Notes version and go away!  This is not logical!!!  When I asked her to give me a copy of the most recent Duke bills for a property we manage, but only the Duke bills that have gas charges, she gave me copies of every Duke bill for every month of 2011, prepared a spreadsheet showing the charges, and prepared a graph showing the fluctuations of the charges.  My first, and only response was, “Why did you do this?”  Her response was, “I already did this for another manager in the office, so I just thought I’d update it for you.”  Of course I said, “I don’t need this!  I just want a copy of the most recent bill with gas charges on it!  How does this help me?!?”  Once she pulled out the most recent bill and gave it to me, I was able to recycle the remaining 20 pieces of paper she wasted.  Where is the logic in that thought process???

Okay, so I’m realizing I’m missing the emotionally detached piece of the Spock persona.  Every time someone does something “highly illogical,” I get confused, which forces me to wonder how they could do something so clearly illogical.  This confusion leads to my love of sarcastic responses because they deserve it for their illogical thought process!  So if you see me with a confused look on my face, it’s not because I don’t understand you, it’s because I’m confused by how you could think in that way.  It’s not a voluntary response, I really can’t help it!  To answer the question I know you’re thinking, “Yes, I know this makes me an asshole!”

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