Be Vewy Vewy Quiet

I’ve never understood hunting.  Way back in the days of the hunters & gatherers, I guess my ancestors were gatherers.  No one in my family went hunting or wanted to go hunting.  The extent of our fishing was throwing a cheap fishing rod into the creek and catching fish too small to eat.  The funniest thing about fishing was when we were making too much noise, someone would inevitably tell us we were scaring away the fish!  But Elmer knew you had to be vewy vewy quite to hunt.

Here’s what I imagine happens.  You get up extremely early, dress in your camo “uniform,” grab your rifle and head out to your favorite deer stand.  Maybe you have a thermos of coffee to help you stay awake and warm while you wait.  And wait.  And wait.  And wait.  Finally, if you’re lucky, a deer crosses your path within the range where you can actually hit your target.  You take your shot, nail the deer, do whatever the hell you do to make it ready to drag to your truck, and you head home.  That, my friends, is not hunting – that’s waiting!

You did nothing to hunt this deer.  You waited for the deer to come to you!  That would be the equivalent of me sitting on my front porch with my rifle waiting for some kids to step onto my lawn.  

My way would be easier, though, because I would have a bus delivering kids every day.  All I would have to do is sleep until 2:00, make some coffee, put on my slippers, grab my rifle and walk out to my front porch.  Some poor unsuspecting kid would cross my path, step onto my lawn, and blammo!  I wouldn’t hunt the young ones, just the high school kids with an emphasis on the emo kids.  My “trophy” would be their head on a post of my white picket fence.  If some dumbass was too stupid to notice my trophy fence, they deserve to die!  I’m just doing my part to thin out the herd.

I guess during the summer months, when the bus stops delivering my prey, I’d have to hunt something else.  It’s like that for hunters.  It’s not always deer season.  Sometimes it’s rabbit season – no, duck season!   If you’re out there hunting rabbits, ducks, squirrels, or other animals too small to make a decent trophy, you’re just wasting your time.  I assure you, it is much harder to fight traffic on Route 4 heading north to Jungle Jim’s, where you can find meat from nearly every kind of animal you could hunt, than it is to go out and hunt it and clean it.  I’m even willing to take out a few shoppers who get in your way.  I’m just that nice a guy!

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