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I have three sons, the youngest of whom just turned 18.  They are all now legal adults!  Their mother and I divorced 16 years ago.  They didn’t live with me but when we had time together, I did my best to help guide them to this point in their lives.  I knew I had limited time with them, so I’ve often wondered how much influence I could have had over them.  So I’m writing them this letter to give them my rules for living so they can improve upon my successes, avoid my mistakes, and live a life that will make their kids proud.  I don’t know if my kids are proud of me, but I’m very proud of them!

Dear Boys,

When your mother and I divorced, I had a few well-meaning people warn me that children of divorce will have an extremely challenging life.  They told me you would have trouble in school, trouble with relationships, have psychological and anger issues. Instead, you turned into very resilient children. You never became a “child of divorce.” Your school work was exemplary, you were active in sports, and when you found jobs, you exhibited the work ethic I hoped I would see from you. I want to believe I had something to do with that, but I want you to know I give your mother credit for the majority of it.

Now that you’re adults, I want to give you my rules for living a happy, productive life:

Laughter is the best medicine.  When you learn to laugh at yourself, you can get through anything life throws your way. You’ve heard the saying, “you’ll look back on this and laugh one day.” Laugh today instead!  Laugh so much that people wonder about your sanity.  I gave the eulogy for my mother and I had my brothers and sisters and friends of the family laughing during the service.  Sure we cried before, during and after the service, but if you can laugh through your tears you’ll be okay. 

Be kind to everyone. whether they deserve it or not.  I learned this rule a long time ago and I’m still trying to perfect it. One day, I was driving to work. The guy in front of me at the light would not turn right on red even though there was clearly no traffic. I honked at him and got him to go. I turned right and followed him into the parking lot at work. He was the CEO of the company! I now gently tap the horn only when necessary. Be kind to everyone you know or don’t know, because that person you don’t know now could be someone very important in your life later. Plus, it’s just the right thing to do.

Don’t let pride get in your way.  There will be many times where swallowing your pride is the best way to resolve a situation. Swallow hard and do the right thing. Be proud, but not prideful.

Don’t lie, cheat, or steal.  Honesty really is the best policy. When you lie to people, you create a divide between you and them. That lie will always keep you from closing that divide and prevent you from being close to them ever again. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them” is not true. What they don’t know hurts you. Cheating is a form of lying to yourself. If you think you can win by cheating, you have already lost. Stealing is wrong. I have no pearls of wisdom about that – it’s just wrong.

Love women just the way they are.  I love women!  I have more female friends than male friends!  Don’t expect your logical mind to ever figure out women because they aren’t ruled by logic. You will drive yourself crazy if you question a woman’s motivation for doing something. It makes sense to them, so it doesn’t need to make sense to you! Don’t fight with a woman, because you will lose! Even if you win, you lose. Go with the flow, enjoy their company, treat them with respect, and always open the door for them (even if they could bench press the building).

Learn how to work a room.  At any social gathering, it’s important to learn how to enter and exit conversations. If you’re at a cocktail party and you see someone nursing their drink and standing off to the side, talk to that person. Ask questions to find some common ground and talk the shit out of that topic. Don’t look around the room while you are talking to them just to see if there is someone else you’d rather talk to. When you are ready to move on, do it gracefully. Give them a firm handshake, look them in the eye and say, “It was great talking to you.”

Handle your finances wisely.  Don’t use credit for consumer goods. If it’s something that will last longer than the payments use credit. This means you buy houses and cars with credit. You might have to use credit to furnish the house. You should never use credit for impulse purchase or for groceries. If you need to use credit to buy groceries, it’s because you are paying so much on your credit card bills that now you have to charge everything. It’s a vicious cycle that’s hard to break. Don’t do it! 

Love yourself.  There will be many times in your life where you will not be proud of yourself.  You will do something you’re ashamed of.  You are not alone – this is human nature.  As hard as we try, we can’t live a perfect life.  When you mess up, learn from it and never do it again.  Then, you have to forgive yourself and let it go.  You can do this only if you love yourself and respect and value who your are.  Loving yourself opens up your ability to love someone else and accepting them as they are.  Then, when they fail to be their very best, you can be there to help them rather than scold them.  Loving yourself lets you love others freely.

Friend quality is better than friend quantity. Having a few close friends who know you as well as you know them, and they love you anyway, is better than having a bunch of “friends.” Your best friends should be your spouse, your brothers, and a few other close friends you would trust with your life.

You aren’t the only one. There will come a time when you are surrounded by people who appear happy and successful and who seem to have it all figured out. When they are alone, they have doubts, fears and frustrations and they question why all those other people seem to have it all figured out. No one has it all figured out all the time. Everyone has doubts, fears and frustrations. You’re not alone.

If all else fails, follow your instincts. You have been given the gift of intelligence and good looks, thanks to yours truly, and you’ve proven that you’re moral, ethical, and caring individuals. But there will be times where you don’t know what to do. Your conscience will never lead you astray. If what you’re considering feels wrong, don’t do it.

Finally, if you could just do one thing, it should be “enjoy life.” If you use the above tools, you should be well on your way to enjoying life to the fullest. We are on this earth for a mere blink of an eye. I hope to live long enough to read what you want to pass on to your children.

Love,

Dad